BOUNDARIES AND BORDERLINES
When the days seem long, the work is endless and there is less joy and light than the days before, we dream of being rescued from our own life. While it’s easy to blame others for the dismay of the day, the truth is we often have brought the pain our own way. Therefore to bring upon the change we seek, we must look inside ourselves.
Years ago I was introduced to this powerful truth: “What you permit you promote.” This suggests that our station is brought upon us by our choices; what we choose to do and to not do. The best way to clear a path through permission and promotion is to have a solid understanding of your boundaries. It’s crucial to know where you draw your lines, why you sometimes cross them and what it costs you when you do.
We set boundaries to protect the things that matter most to us. The most precious commodity in the world is time. So it is very common for many of us to set limits on how and with whom we choose to spend it. The other things we want to protect and uphold are our ethics. A coaching colleague of mine once said, “Boundaries are our values in action.” How perfectly put. If your core values are discipline, honesty and order, you are unable to tolerate laziness, lies and disorganization. Therefore you instinctually have some bottom lines when it comes to them.
If we draw lines to protect something precious, then why do we let people cross them? We have come to know that life is not black and white and we can sometimes get disoriented inside of all the grey. So when it comes time to bend our own rules, we tell ourselves stories that convince us that it’s “worth it” or that we “have to or else”. These conversations with ourselves may sound like, “He’s not very nice to me, but it’s better than being alone.”, “She is disrespectfully late again, but I am not up for the fight today.” or, “I said I would step away from the home office after 6, but if I can just finish this one email, I will be so much better off. I think I can be done by 7 and that’s better than 8, right?”
When we break the promises we make with ourselves, it is not long before we start to experience the cost. It may take our mind to catch up, but we first feel it in our gut when things are out of line. We become the very opposite of what we longed for when we set the ground rules at the start. We are tired, cranky, disappointed, afraid, muted, complacent or all of the above. We become lost souls, untethered to our knowing and unable to remember what mattered to us in the first place. Certainly far from the best version of ourselves.
So what should you do when you are tempted to please people, avoid the fight or take the comfy route at the expense of your beliefs? Bring awareness to the moment, picture yourself on the other side of the decision and bravely challenge yourself to remember “What is it I want, really?”
Holding the line is not always easy but we know the very best things in life are the ones worth fighting for.
As per usual, music played in Matty’s head while contemplating boundaries and bravely holding our lines in life and love. Here’s a short playlist of the few that came to her mind for one reason or another. If you want to add yours to the list, or talk about your struggles with protecting your boundaries just send Matty a message here.
