GET ON YOUR OWN TEAM
Port Pirates Varsity Softball team circa 1989
Imagine this….
Someone you love very much shows up at your door to share the story of their latest struggle. How do you react? What do you do? What do you say? Most likely you offer support with a hug and sympathy. You tell them how amazing and strong they are, and that they are doing the best they can in this moment in time. You remind them how special they are, and how they are meant for great things. You make sure they hear that you will always love them, no matter what.
Next call up a memory of yourself fighting our own personal battle. What does the conversation with yourself sound like? Does it resemble the one you had with your loved one? Filled with support and love? Or did you channel your inner Regina George and shame and bully yourself?
Somewhere along the way, many of us were taught to believe that we could achieve success by harshly bossing ourselves (and others) around. Tough love = results. When you believe you have to be cruel to be kind, you throw yourself low blows such as, “You should know better. You are not enough. You are pacing behind. Hurry up. What’s the matter with you? You screwed it all up, again.”
You would never consider speaking this way to someone you loved, but yet you abuse yourself. As Zig Ziglar famously quoted, “You are the most influential person you will talk to all day.” So you need to stop rooting against yourself, and get on your own team.
Breaking the habit of beating ourselves up is not as easy as it may seem, because the origins of this habit are complicated. Many of us were taught long ago to put the needs of others before our own, or else we were “selfish.” Years of putting others before ourselves, can develop into a reflex belief that we are less deserving of love than others. We become so focused on being selfless, that we surrender the right to love ourselves along the way.
Here’s the good news: Love is not mutually exclusive. You can love others and yourself. You can root for other success and still be successful yourself. You can want for others and want for yourself. As Aaron Burr sang in Hamilton, “the world is wide enough for both Hamilton and me.”
Another reason we bully ourselves is perhaps we subscribe to the belief that we can’t love ourselves until we are perfect. Well that is simply a waste of time, because there is no perfect; there is no “there” there. Falling in love with yourself starts with true acceptance of who you are today, imperfections and all, not waiting to love the person who you hope to one day become.
Accepting yourself today doesn’t mean you can’t continue to strive for more. We learn more about ourselves and how to live our lives by living each day full out. Therefore our best tomorrow will always be different than the best today. When we accept that as truth we can feel liberated excited, and hopeful.
Self acceptance breeds a loving and respectful relationship with yourself. Your conversations will start to mirror those you have with your loved ones. “You are doing the best you can. What have you learned to make tomorrow better? You’ve got this! I believe in you. You are awesome. I love you.”
Accepting where we are, celebrating our gifts, and being kind to ourselves gives us the freedom to not just love ourselves but to love being ourselves. We no longer want to dim our lights but are energized by our one-of-a-kindness. When we support ourselves, we know we are meant to shine and share our gifts as our true, mighty, beautiful incomplete selves. The game of life is simply better played with yourself than against yourself.
Remember the show Ally McBeal? When the characters chose theme songs for themselves, the quirky John chose a Barry White love song for himself. That song and others about self love are complied in this playlist for your listening pleasure. Care to share your thoughts on the blog or playlist, ping Matty here.
